Our first foray via “The Box” is “Greenland” which stars a favorite of mine, Gerard Butler who is
always saving a President, the White House and I guess now Greenland?
John Garrity (Butler) is a structural engineer who, as our movie opens is very stressed, and oh
my gosh he is using his real Scottish accent!! I make a mental note, no matter what the review
is, it’s getting a plus.
We soon discover John is stressed because he is currently separated from Alison, his wife, and
today the plan is for him to move back home. Why did they separate? Seems John and his
accent may have been a bit too friendly to a woman other than his wife, and his wife is not
making his return easy.
John and Alison have the obligatory super smart, cute and medically needy son, Nathan who
has recently been diagnosed a diabetic. Dad’s return home coincides with Nathan’s birthday
party which also coincides with the arrival of a massive and previously unknown comet,
nicknamed Clark that came out of nowhere and will be passing perilously close to Earth. Okay,
this is my first problem……if anything more than two inches of snow is forecasted there is a run
on every supermarket and shelves are emptied. So, here comes a comet that will pass so close
to Earth, that every news channel on earth is tracking it live, and hey it’s just a normal day, Dad
is picking up hot dogs at the supermarket an hour before the party and there are two cars in
the parking lot, and the supermarket shelves are loaded.
But all that turns to crap when chunks of debris from the comet crash into Tampa, and half of
Florida is destroyed by the impact and firestorm. John and family are knocked off their feet in
their home in Atlanta from the shockwaves. Then a presidential message comes over their TV,
that John, Alison and Nathan have been selected as part of a secret government evacuation
plan and they need to report to a local military installation for evacuation to a secure site. Why
them? I guess it’s because he’s a structural engineer?
So, they are packing, and Alison is in a frenzy, do I pack clothes for warm or cold weather? How
am I supposed to pack? I really just want to slap Alison at this point. John just dump Alison and
get the girlfriend at this point.
And here comes my second problem, Nathan is a diabetic and he’s ten. Would you trust your
ten year old, who is freaking out because the world is being bombarded with comet fragments,
with his own diabetic medication? Hell no!! Alison toss that overpriced moisturizer and
sunscreen you “need” and you keep that diabetic medication as your La Perla bra.
And I know you are thinking the same thing I am….end of the world…. lots of structural
engineers out there, why take one that includes a child with a serious medical condition?
Okay, they make it to the military base, struggle thru the hordes of people who aren’t on the
government list, and just as they are getting ready to board a plane to safety (they aren’t told
where, but I’m betting on Greenland) they discover Nathan’s medicine is missing from his
backpack. Seems while driving to the military installation Nathan wanted his security blanket
which was in his backpack and didn’t notice the medication fell out of the backpack and onto
the floor of the car.
John leaves the family to fetch the medicine from their car, with 15 minutes left before the
plane takes off. Alison is freaking because they are running out of time, and she tells an airman
she is waiting for his husband because he needed to get their son’s medication. Well, she
should of keep that nugget of info to herself, because they are taken to an office and told they
no longer qualify, no one with any kind of medical condition qualifies for evacuation. Allison
and Nathan are shown the back door and John arrives thru the front door still thinking they are
on a plane.
Next comes a series of silly stupid situations, which finally reunites the family at Alison’s father
ranch in Kentucky. They soon leave Kentucky and her father for the chance of catching a plane
from Canada to Greenland.
Let’s get back to the killer comet Clark. The government has finally announced the comet will
cause an extinction level event on Earth, and they even announce when it’s going to happen, in
24 hours (I think, I didn’t write it in my notes). Half of Europe is gone, Russia gone, Australia,
etc. but since they left Atlanta it seems the director forgot about the rain of comet debris
destroying earth because it’s blue skies and rainbows in Kentucky
That is of course until, they are on a plane to Greenland.
This isn’t a typical Gerard Butler movie, he isn’t a tough guy Secret Service agent, or mercenary
but just an engineer that can drive defensively, and apparently kill a man with a claw hammer.
Which is part of the movie’s problem for me, John is a non -hero, wishy washy lead man who
cheated on his wife, and Alison is a kept suburban wife who you don’t really care about one
way or the other, at least I didn’t.
As I was watching this movie, I kept thinking I saw something very similar with Gerard Butler
before, and towards the end I realized it was 2017’s Geostorm, a movie I enjoyed more than
this.
Greenland, rated C+ is average, a typical Redbox movie, that would of rated “wait for Redbox”
in the good old days of movie going. I did keep my word (to myself) and gave this a + because
of the Scottish accent.
As for a drink….hmmm…I guess a glass of inexpensive champagne, they did survive the
apocalypse and I stayed awake till the end.
